I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
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Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.