I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
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I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
The three genders.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
🤣dope
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.