I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
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Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
I know I couldn鈥檛 handle being in a position of power because when I鈥檓 the banker in Monopoly I steal money
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
You can鈥檛 boss me around. You鈥檙e not my bladder.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that鈥檚 not how Clue works
You don鈥檛 love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
馃檨
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor鈥檚 lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don鈥檛 do this
ME: oh i鈥檓 just getting started
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.