Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
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I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
#Caturday
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.