Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
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Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”