“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.