Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.