I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
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cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.