salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
So that’s what we looked like?
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
me adding lol on a serious message
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.