I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
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Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
buying dead houseplants to save time
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?