wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
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FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.