Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
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The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Officer: I鈥檓 arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“No, it’s not me” 馃槀馃拃
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend