Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
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[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
this will hang in the louvre one day
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?