the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
@funTweeters
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter