How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
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You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.