A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
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After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
We have a winner.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis