They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
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[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.