The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
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Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized