Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
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I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot