Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
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[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone