If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
You Might Also Like
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Breaking news:
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!