My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
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In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )