You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I want to live in a world where the plural of moose is mooses.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?