Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
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It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Good Morning.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.