A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
You Might Also Like
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
<- sleeps well with others
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.