Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
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telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Netflix and awkward silence?
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent