Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
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I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Gemma Correll
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?