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Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.