Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
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My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas