BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
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Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?