“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
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“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’m sure it’s fine.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Great Canadian literature.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here