I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?