What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
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ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.