How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
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Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”