Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
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Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what