A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
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Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms