Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Beware…..
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
The best plant holders?
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out