2022 will be better than 2021
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Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?