In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors