[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
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They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves