Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
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A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.