I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
You Might Also Like
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Oops
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?