Me if I was a dog
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Spell check is for lasers.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.