my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
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me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics