Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
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Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?