Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.