Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
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My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Basketball
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.