I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
That’s easy for you to say
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.