My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
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recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Well, this explains it:
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide