Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
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Love this guy
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.